written by: a cat
1. Vacuum the carpets and sweep the floors a minimum of at least once a week. Why you ask? Spend a day walking around at this level with me. You will understand the importance of this rule after that. Trust me.
2. On Friday and Saturday nights, I would appreciate a little extra dinner. You sleep late on the weekends and I do not understand that whole “days of the week” concept. Please be considerate of the fact that you throw off my daily eating schedule when you do this.
3. While we are on the topic of days of the week, I don’t understand the whole changing of the seasons concept either. We should discuss a temperature guideline to determine when the windows can be opened. This every other day stuff confuses me.
4. Clean my food bowl everyday. There’s nothing I hate more than getting a fresh can of wet food in the morning and biting into something crunchy that is dried out and stuck to the bowl from the day before. That’s disgusting.
5. Change my water everyday, too. No one likes floaties.
6. I don’t get to flush each time I go to the bathroom, like you human things do. Clean my litter box on a regular basis. Three or four cleanings per week should suffice.
7. Each time you see crusties in the corner of my eye, please remove them promptly.
8. Make the bed everyday. It is much more comfortable to lay on when it’s made.
9. Open the blinds before you leave for work in the morning. I like to have a bright sunny spot on the carpet that mysteriously rotates around the house throughout the day. When you forget to do this, you mess up my napping routines.
10. Decide on a minimum number of times to hit snooze button on the alarm. Since the alarm is my cue for breakfast, I don’t like to be teased that early in the morning. It confuses me when you fall back to sleep over and over again.
11. Cold cuts. If you take them out of the fridge, you must share with me. To account for this, please order an extra quarter pound of deli meat when you’re at the grocery store.
12. Plants are fair game, either inside or outside the house. If you insist on spraying them to try and keep me away, please be considerate of my taste buds. No tabasco laced water allowed.
13. There should be at least 3 cat toys available at all times. I will let you use your discretion in deciding which toys there should be. I prefer small and lightweight toys with feathers. Hint: The best kind have been douced in catnip. Speaking of catnip…
14. I must have access to catnip at least two times weekly for a minimum of 20 minutes per sitting. No exceptions.
15. I need to be brushed at least once a week. Coughing up hairballs sucks.
*Feel free to discuss any concerns or ask any questions about this manual in between my naps.