A while back, shortly after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend, TS was able to sit down with Lisa Steadman, author of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown: Getting over the Big One and Changing Your Life – for Good. Like many of us, Lisa has survived many a breakup. She “stumbled and fell many times along her journey to happily ever after. Along the way, she learned some valuable lessons, realized the importance of wakin’ up, breakin’ up, and movin’ on, and emerged from her Big Breakup stronger than ever – and determined to help others.”
We’ll be giving away three signed copies of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown: Getting over the Big One and Changing Your Life – for Good. Just leave a comment below letting us know if you’ve been the heartbreaker or the heartbroken in your past relationships. And stick around because coming soon, we’ll be carrying some articles and relationship tips from Lisa.
At what point when you were going through your big breakup did you know that you would be turning this into a book?
Somewhere between the pain, angst, and unwillingness to let go of my ex the idea for the book appeared to me. In my heart, I knew that my life could be really amazing if I just let go and moved on from this relationship that clearly wasn’t working for either of us. And yet still, it took me a solid year of still sleeping with the ex, still trying to make it work, all the while knowing that it wouldn’t to finally figure it out. During this period, the idea for the book and my website BreakupChronicles.com was formed. Basically, I wanted people to share their stories of how breaking up with the wrong person was always the right thing to do. I shared my stories, other people shared their stories, and eventually I found the strength and faith to walk away for good from my Big Breakup. Since that day, my life has been so much better! And not just in the relationship department. I’ve changed professions, changed homes, become a healthier person, and now I coach other women on how to live their best lives by breaking up with their own bad love habits. Ultimately, this book is about sharing the lessons I learned along my post- breakup journey in hopes that it will help others through their own breakup recovery.
Why does it seem women more than men need breakup handbooks?
Actually, I’m not sure that’s true. When I wrote the book, my target audience was women. But it’s been a pleasure to hear from so many men who say the book is helping them through their breakups as well. I think the universal appeal of my book is that it doesn’t bash your ex or advocate becoming a man-hater. Instead, it focuses on the individual’s personal healing and recovery – in fun and fabulous ways, of course! That seems to appeal to both men and women.
What is the number one mistake you’ve seen people make post-breakup, and why do you think they continually make this mistake?
I see this over and over again — people try to stay friends with their ex. What they don’t realize is that the most important thing you can do following a breakup is create new boundaries with your ex. No phone calls, no e-mails, no late-night post-breakup booty calls. You really have to cut them out of your life after the breakup, at least initially. Or if you can’t distance yourself, say you have children, a business, property, etc. then you have to work very hard to create new boundaries with the ex. Only talk about the issues relating to your kids, business, etc. No questions about how they’re handling the breakup, if they’re dating, if they need anything, and vice versa.
I’m at the point in my own breakup recovery where I do feel pretty much over my last relationship, but I seem to have lost any desire to date. Is that a sign to take some more time to myself, or do I need to start the dating process and then my interest will come back?
It sounds like you’re in cocoon mode, which is fabulous! Cocoon mode lets you focus your efforts on yourself, which we sometimes forget to do. Take this time to explore what makes you happy, pursue hobbies, interests, dreams that inspire you. Give yourself permission to be a little self-indulgent! When you’re ready, you’ll get back out there in the dating world.
What mistakes do you see people most commonly make while they are dating?
People are not always clear about what they’re looking for in relationships. They’re just looking for someone to fill the void. But ultimately, the key to dating smarter is to be really clear about what you’re looking for. If you’re looking to date lots of different guys without getting serious with anyone, then that should be your mission. Sign up for every online dating site out there! Regularly attend singles events. And don’t be afraid to approach guys wherever you go. However, if you want a long-term serious commitment, then celebrate that choice. Choose potential partners accordingly. If that guy at work who always comes in late and hung over asks you to lunch? He’s probably not somebody you want to get serious with. However, if that nice, intelligent, stable guy that you always thought was kind of boring asks you for coffee, you owe it to yourself to find out what’s underneath his sweet exterior. He’s settling down material. Or, if you’re in an emotional space where dating overwhelms you, then take a break. Don’t date for awhile. Be very clear about what you want and what you’re looking for.
Did it feel strange putting the personal details of your life in a book for everyone to read? What was the biggest challenge behind that? How have friends and family responded?
It felt a little strange at first, but I knew I wasn’t hurting anybody because I didn’t use anybody’s names. I wanted to share my personal experiences in hopes of helping other people heal and move on from their breakup. Once it was clear about my intention, there really were no challenges. I’m a pretty open book. And friends and family have been amazingly supportive. My dad could have a new career as my agent.
Is it still possible to meet people these days if you are not into online dating?
Absolutely! Online dating should be used as practice, but really, people should get in the habit of making eye contact, smiling, and talking to members of the opposite sex in their everyday life. From the grocery store to Starbucks to the gym, there are plenty of opportunities to meet and mingle. I find that a lot of singles walk around with blinders on, convinced that there’s nobody out there for them. But the truth is all you have to do is take the blinders off. Once you do, you’ll see that there are cuties everywhere. It’s up to you to make eye contact, smile, start conversations. If they’re interested and available, you’ve already given them permission to approach. If not, you’ve done your part. Move on and keep practicing!
Do you have any plans for future books based on relationships?
Yes! I just finished an e-book called Bad Love No More that helps people break free of limiting relationship beliefs and welcome real and lasting love into their life. It will be available on my website LisaSteadman.com this summer. I’m currently working on a second breakup recovery book, which will be in bookstores next year. I also offer free tele-seminars on a variety of relationship topics. And I’m putting together some group coaching programs as we speak. For more details, people can visit my website LisaSteadman.com.
How to Enter:
- Leave a comment below letting us know if you’ve been the heartbreaker or the heartbroken gal more often. One comment/entry per person, please.
- You must supply us with a valid email address.
- The contest starts now and entries must be date stamped by our server no later than Sunday, August 17th, 2008 at 11:59 PM Pacific Time to be eligible.
- The winner will be selected during a random drawing using random.org and will be notified via e-mail to receive the prize.
- No prize substitutions.
- You must be 18 years old or older to enter and a resident of the USA.
- No purchase necessary.
- Void where prohibited.
I’ve been an equal share of both I think!